There was a point to all of this...

There was a point to all of this...

another emo FAG in the igeneration

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Alright. Let's Bring This Bitch Back to Start.

[Apr. 3rd, 2009|11:59 am]

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I haven't been here in years. But I've been writing in this journal since I was a Sophomore in high school. I think it's time I brought it back, cause honestly, no one reads it. So I'll say what I please.

First of all - never trust whitey.

And beyond that, don't trust gays, Christians, bears, lovers, liers, or cheaters, either. Unless they're all one person, in which I will inexplicably give them my entire heart, ask them to move down from Ohio, and proceed to watch them destroy said vital organ. Gah.

ruinamospartum completely fucked up my life. He cheated on me and had unprotected sex with a stranger, then proceeded to lie to me about it for two weeks until I finally made him come clean about it. As i get older I've tried to be more forgiving and adult, but it's hard to just DO that. I found that I couldn't. And while I'm not angry, really, I'm more frustrated that I have to be the bigger person here and act like this doesn't affect my life. It does. It is affecting me now as I write this.

So what do I do to move on? I've delved back in to my art, almost to spite him. He may able to destroy things but i can create works far grander. I've also started going to the gym and to yoga, because a workout is one of the best stress relievers I know of. Running two miles to angry Pink songs and thinking about how good I'll look is a real confidence booster.

I dunno. I'm not angry, really. What good is that going to do for me? Anger only breeds hate, and I don't want to hate Zak. I want to know why he did it. I want to know why I wasn't good enough. Or at least why he cheated on me. I know I'm a fantastic person when it comes to a relationship. He was lucky to have me, but threw it all away. Is there something I'm supposed to learn from this experience? Was it merely a part of God's plan to help me meet somebody else? I know that one day I will have the answers to these questions but for right now, they're what's on my mind.

Zak, if you do find this, you already know everything I think. You already know I've started to move on, and have found a great starting point in Shawn. I can't reconcile things with you the way you want to because I'll never trust you again, and moreover, have difficulty knowing when you're lying or telling the truth. As a person who uses his words and his faith to help others find salvation, it damages your credibility and you should know that. I also don't see you making an effort to redeem yourself, but rather you hide your sin from the world. It's not my place to call you out to your friends, but they will know in time, and that's some justice. But the rest of the world? Those you want to reach? You should think more about who you are and what you stand for before you try to help others figure out the same.

I guess the howl of the vacuum cleaner echoing through my parents' house is clue enough that I should be going. I'm headed to the YMCA, where God will help me to forget and learn to forgive.

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